By Rachel Scoggan

“Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.”Joel 2:13

The haze of same-sex attraction overwhelmed me at the age of nineteen. I felt like I was surrounded by an early morning fog where visibility is reduced to only seeing the headlights in front of you. I felt ill-prepared for life in general, not to mention my inner desires. Same-sex thoughts terrified and intrigued me. Who would I tell? And who was going to help me, without being freaked out?

This idol was powerful. Certain women pulled me in; they touched me deeply and I was torn. They promised me things I felt the Lord Himself couldn’t promise me. The idol of same-sex attraction did a dance before me, and by the age of twenty-one years I took her hand.

In partaking of her, I immediately felt dark. And so I ran, 1800 miles to be exact. I was glad to leave this woman and this powerful idol in California, but it showed up again in Tennessee. At a time of stress and rejection by men, the idol was more alluring than ever. It was now an image and voice that lived in my head. It had evolved. It told me this new woman was my life partner. It told me its path was superior to God. The idol assured me of its trustworthiness, and I was again transfixed.

I was scared so I sought counsel. But my heart balked and would only go so far. I moved again. For a decade, I managed the idol, and downplayed its influence. I was caught unaware when the idol made an appearance while I was leading a Christian ministry. And I fell.

The fall was brutal. Breaking the idol involved a heart-rending I had never encountered. But His profound love for me in my sin was more powerful than the idol. The fog began to lift. I now turn to trusted, safe friends when same-sex thoughts come. I confess my sin in prayer at the offices at DSM. I tell on myself over and over again. Her seductive voice is silenced in my confession. The distance between truth-telling and the lure of the idol becomes greater and greater all the time.

From DesertStream.org