Do you suffer from unwanted homosexuality? Many men who have a homosexual orientation, whether or not they have acted on it, are tormented by their homosexual feelings, or at the very least, just don’t want them. Many who have practiced homosexuality regret having done so, and others who have fully participated in the homosexual ‘scene’ have come to see its pointlessness, its superficiality, and have become disillusioned by its drug driven promiscuity. They come to a point where they want freedom from homosexuality. Many who have sought to find life long homosexual partners have been let down by the merry go round of partnerships and the lack of fidelity associated with homosexual practise. In its ministry to all who suffer with some form of sexual brokenness, Living Waters helps people struggling to find freedom from homosexuality. Our help is offered in the context of also helping broken heterosexuals, which tends to help those recovering from homosexuality to normalize their struggles.
Homosexuality in perspective:
Homosexual sin is no worse than heterosexual immorality. The brokenness of seeking to fulfil normal need for love, acceptance, and identity, through sexual intimacy, outside marriage is at the heart of both heterosexual promiscuity and homosexual practise. Both seek to fill legitimate needs illegitimately. Certainly, the homosexual, in seeking wholeness and freedom, has extra challenge, and needs a particular grace, above that of overcoming heterosexual addiction. Changing homosexual orientation is no small feat. The factors that contribute to the development of homosexual orientation are complex and subtle.
Mostly, the homosexual attraction begins before the age of ten; it is emotional, non-sexual, and involuntary. As sex drive is increased through adolescence, same sex attraction becomes eroticised and homosexual intimacy becomes a primary means for feeling loved and affirmed. Homosexual activity offers a sense of feeling accepted. Need fulfilment is mistaken for love, the male extending this ‘love’ is idolised. As neediness is covered with pleasure, a momentary sense of self-esteem is felt, providing temporary relief from identity confusion.
However, efforts to meet needs homosexually ultimately leave loneliness, a sense of greater fragmentation, and feeling more ill-at-ease than ever. Emotional brokenness increases.
Causes of Unwanted Homosexuality
Increasing incidence of modern homosexuality can be traced back to the Industrial Revolution. Boys were separated from their fathers and extended male family members. Men were siphoned away from the farm to the factory, and boys were sent as cheap labour down mines. This severance of male bonding intensified after the wars of the 20th century, when fathers returned, emotionally deadened by the trauma of trench and modern warfare, having witnessed the deaths of mates, engaged in the compromise of prostitution and experienced the torture of P.O.W. camps. Back home, many could not open their hearts to tell. Most became cardboard cut outs of whole men. Their sons had no cues on which to base their emotional development. In the search for legitimate masculine bonding, sex drive took over, and became disoriented. The sexual revolution of the late 20th century ‘legitimized’ it, while social engineers normalized it.
The causes of unwanted homosexuality have been shown to be mostly social, but some with homosexual attraction have been affected physiologically. A leading researcher into homosexuality summarised, “Sexual orientation is genetically influenced but not hardwired by DNA. Whatever genes are involved represent predispositions, not predeterminations.”1In a minority of cases, where men seem to be more effeminate or feel more female, a hormonal wash in the last trimester of pregnancy, may have deposited higher oestrogen levels. This effeminacy can lead to homosexuality, but does not inevitably do so. Choices are made. However, psychotherapists tend to agree that the major factor in the emergence of homosexual attraction is defective gender identification in childhood and teen years.2 Basically, homosexual men, feeling inadequate in masculinity, admire masculine qualities in others and seek to absorb them through homosexual union. Homosexually oriented people tended to stagnate in psychosexual development at the early teen stage of seeking same sex peer affirmation.
Unwanted homosexual attraction can be traced to insecure gender identification.
This can occur in men when there was emotional detachment from their dad in boyhood, or a lack of safe male role model figures through childhood and adolescence. Security in masculinity does not develop naturally. It needs to be modelled and nurtured. Dad is the usual source of this.
Dad’s role is to
- bond with his children,
- model healthy, attractive masculinity: physically, intellectually, emotionally spiritually & sexually (relating lovingly with Mum, and modelling how to relate to women with purity)
- affirm sons in the good of their gender, and to call them away from mother’s apron strings,
- help them develop healthy gender identity through appropriate gender activities together,
- be a safe friend and mentor to anchor sons through the ‘wobbly’ adolescent years,
- ‘land’ them securely in early adulthood, confident, independent yet interdependent,
- bless and send his sons out into the world to make their worthwhile mark.
Where this has not occurred well, was abused, or absent all together, sons may drift towards homosexual orientation by emotionally detaching from their father. This is to judge dad as unworthy and to defend against taking what he models into the son’s developing self. Usually the emerging homosexual makes a generalization, which blocks out dad’s masculine traits, leaving the son subconsciously searching for them in others. He seeks to find a new source for masculine fulfilment, bonding and love. Part of the homosexual’s confusion is ambivalence about his gender. He has the psychological need to identify with masculinity, yet has made judgements against it, by judging his dad, and detaching from his masculinity. The power of homosexual sex offers relief from the confusion and sense of inadequacy, while at the same time promising new identity, however superficial and temporary. He seeks completion through intimate homosexual connection with other men. It should be stressed at this point that while many men turn to homosexuality, others find identity through heterosexual promiscuity.
Relationship with Mum
This may also contribute to homosexual orientation. If the son detaches from a domineering or enmeshing mother, despising her, or finding emotional intimacy with her repulsive, he may generalize these judgements to all women, and balk at the thought of intimacy with them. This gives birth to homosexual orientation. On the other hand, if he detached from dad, he may over identify with mum. Instead of internalising dad’s masculine traits, he will tend to internalise mum’s feminine characteristics. Feeling more feminine, he may be homosexually attracted to men, viewing them as icons of what he is missing. He seeks completion through homosexual connection to his own gender.
Other sources of Homosexual Gender Confusion can be
- Parental desire for a daughter, compensating for the birth of a son by treating him as the daughter they didn’t get.
- Childhood molestation, identifying with the molester, whether male or female, leaves imprints on developing sexuality. Becoming homosexual can be caused by imitating the male molester, or identifying with the female.
- Adolescent homosexual seduction. Even as an insecure adult, powerful homosexual experience can overwhelm immature heterosexuality. The homosexual community aggressively proselytises, often challenging any detection of insecurity with, ‘you must be true to your inner homosexual self.’
- Rebellion, “lets try it out.” Peer pressure, experimentation, gender insecurity leading to bi-sexuality or homosexuality, flirting with the gay lifestyle: clothing, hairstyle, music, the “scene”. Glamorous forms of androgyny or gender ambiguity are fashionable in youth culture.
- Relational laziness. Some broken men find it easier to relate homosexually with men because they view women as too complex and too hard to work out and relate with.
- Homosexual spiritual strongholds over cities or areas can interact with gender insecure people to lure them into homosexuality.
- Generational sins and/or curses descending through ancestral lines can influence gender insecure boys towards homosexuality.
Unwanted Homosexuality Why do I want to change my homosexual orientation?
Made in God’s image.
When God made us He made us male and female, in His image. He ordained that a man would leave his parents and bond to his wife, to create family. Bonding and creating are God’s ultimate purpose for human sexuality. (Gen 1:27,8, 2: 24) Any variation fails to imitate His image, actually repudiating it. A basic reading of Scripture, without doing exegetical gymnastics, clearly declares heterosexuality as God’s intent, and homosexuality, and all other gender bending variations, as a departure from His intent, as broken, and as sinful. (To sin is to deviate from God’s intent.) The simple truth is that the penis was made for the vagina. Deep within, every homosexual knows this. This brings a deep insecurity that causes the homosexual to question his homosexuality.
Sociologically, many social factors reinforce this spiritual truth:
Male Homosexuality tends to be far more promiscuous than heterosexuality because men are more visually wired and less relationally dependent, than women. When men converge homosexually, visual drive is reinforced. 2 homosexual men together are attracted to other men’s bodies, without the balance that heterosexuality brings. Heterosexual couples are not mutually attracted to one other person, whereas homosexual couples tend to lust after others together. The absence of a woman and her more relational and emotional values in the relationship, providing more of the God intended balance, increases the rate at which homosexuals pursue sex at the expense of relationship.
Though there may appear to be loving, supportive homosexual relationships, a very small minority last longer than 5 years, and even then do not tend to practise fidelity. Consider this quote from the leading Australian homosexual blog, written by a finalist in the 07 Mr Gay Australia competition:
It’s official. While I would dearly love to find someone special, I’m starting to truly believe it’s not possible for gay men to survive happily together forever. ?Two couples that I’m friends with are on the brink of falling apart. Mr X and Mr Y have been together for about 3 or 4 years and Mr Y wants to open the relationship up. I don’t understand open relationships but know some couples make them work quite happily and if I though X&Y could do that, then I’d be supportive, but they are barely hanging in as it is and opening it up is almost certainly the death knell for them. I actually think Mr Y just wants out but can’t say it. ?These days it feels like no one is willing to make any sacrifices in a relationship and it’s easier to just walk away than work on the relationship.?I hope I’m wrong but when I try and think about the gay couples that I know that are long term, happy and monogamous I’m struggling to come up with any and that is starting to break my heart. Perhaps I’ll never know true love.
Evidence shows that there are increased risks of drug abuse, partner violence, suicide and other problems associated with the homosexual lifestyle, which indicates that homosexual relationships struggle to meet emotional needs or provide fulfilment and stability.
The homosexual lifestyle causes increased incidents of some diseases such as anal cancer, herpes, gonorrhea, viral hepatitis types B and C. These diseases are virtually unknown among heterosexual men. Syphilis, though found among heterosexuals is far more prevalent among homosexuals. Anal intercourse causes increased frequency of hemorrhoids, anal fissures, anorectal trauma and extremely high rates of parasitic infections.
Life expectancy has been shown to be lower for homosexuals. Scandinavian research shows that married gay and lesbian lifespans are 24 years shorter than heterosexual couples.
Unwanted Homosexuality Steps to Wholeness
Jesus Christ is the alternative. He lifts homosexual strugglers above the fallacy of finding fulfilment through sex or idolatry of others. He provides the way to find fulfilment in God, His purpose for us and His provisions for wholesome relationships. Releasing us from the imprint of homosexuality, Jesus frees us to live as new men. The Holy Spirit works the process of change into our lives. His grace is sufficient, for His strength is made perfect in weakness. He provides the mooring point for a new identity, from which a true sense of well-being comes. As we draw close to Him, we are enabled to reflect His image in our humanity more fully, casting off broken homosexuality.
The goal of growth is freedom to love well and relate intimately, but non-erotically with other men, and to be able to relate with women as one who is needed and complementary, without fear or disinterest.
Many have left the homosexual lifestyle, showing that genuine healing is possible. While it is a slow and constant process, many thousands of former homosexuals testify to their substantial healing and freedom. Like all sexual addictions, it takes much effort to break free from homosexuality. Not only can we cease from homosexual activities and lust, many have found that even the orientation towards homosexuality can be reduced, if not eliminated. Conclusive evidence for the possibility of change is given in Professor Dr Robert Spitzer’s 2001 study “Can Some Gay Men and Lesbians Change Their Sexual Orientation?”3 Spitzer himself had led the task force in 1973 which removed homosexuality from the American Psychiatric Association’s list of mental disorders, citing that homosexuality was both normal and unchangeable. Challenged by reformed homosexuals to study the authenticity of their change, he did so.
The 200 chosen participants had suffered predominant homosexual attraction for many years. Since their therapy each has sustained a decrease of at least 10 points in their homosexual attraction, over 5 years. 143 men (av age 42) and 57 women (av age 44) participated in the study. 85% of the men, 61%of the women had homosexual attraction as teenagers. 62% & 42 % respectively had no opposite sex attraction in their teens. 13% and 4% had never participated in consensual homosexual sex. 34% & 2% had engaged homosexually with more than 50 partners. 53% & 33% had not experienced consensual heterosexual sex before their therapy. Their therapy was not of one particular type, and included different mixes of group work, individual counselling and mentoring in different settings. Spitzer wrote in his conclusion, “Many patients, provided with informed consent about the possibility that they will be disappointed if the therapy does not succeed, can make a rational choice to work toward developing their heterosexual potential and minimizing their unwanted homosexual attractions.”3
Another psychologist researching re-orientation from homosexuality has written, “If there’s significant self-knowledge, forgiveness and a spiritual component to the treatment… we find the emotional pain that causes the Homosexual Attraction can be healed…..the inner emptiness can be filled, the loneliness healed and the confidence strengthened. No longer does the person feel angry with his father or peers for not building or for damaging male confidence. Instead, he appreciates that his male gifts and identity are special, God-given and meant for a particular mission in life.4
The Dynamics to be taken into account for successful re-orientation from homosexuality:
the younger the man, the less entrenched the homosexual habit, the easier to break. On the other hand, the younger the man, the more he idealizes and glamorises homosexuality. The older he is the more he is likely to be disillusioned by homosexuality. Age is a factor but can work either way, to entrench or to liberate.
Will to break free from homosexuality:
The only starting point for freedom from homosexual orientation or practise can be to make a firm reckoning. Often the ambivalence of seeing the need to cease, but enjoying the adrenalin highs of acting out homosexually and the comfort of lust after men, clash. Resolve is necessary to break homosexuality’s hold.
Degree of Gender Rejection and Depth of Homosexual Identity:
The greater the homosexual identity is, and the more entwined with homosexual practise it has become, the deeper the struggle, the longer the healing process and the more the need to learn and develop new thought processes.
Openness to believe and receive the Lord’s purpose for sexuality:
Words, gifts of healing and encouragement from the Lord are essential for change and freedom from homosexuality. It is important to surrender all homosexual identity to the Lord’s new creation and identity that He works into us. (Subtle) Resistance to God undermines His healing grace. The homosexual spirit tends to resist God’s truth. The spirit of homosexuality needs to be renounced in the healing process.
It is vital to have a group of whole men and women supporting the one renouncing homosexuality, to hear his confessions, frustrations, and deep pain, to pray and to stand along side him. Much patience and compassionate understanding needs to be offered to the man finding freedom from homosexuality.
Complexity & duration of sexual relationships
and the degree to which the homosexual lifestyle has been embraced.
These can affect the man recovering form homosexuality in 2 ways. The deeper the immersion in the homosexual lifestyle has been, usually the longer and the more intense the recovery will be. On the other hand, where the homosexual has become so sickened by his behaviour, and so disillusioned by his homosexual relationships, this can make the transition from homosexuality to heterosexuality much easier, and less complex.
Issues to work through:
Repenting, ie rethinking his concept of God and His purpose and parameters for sexuality. It is to come to know His grace, character and power in new ways. It is to confess and recognize how his homosexual practice has missed God’s mark for his sexuality, and is therefore sin. Often spiritual vows, demonic points of entry through homosexual practice and idolatry need to be renounced.
- Homosexual Identity and insecurity:
Help the recovering homosexual to reinforce masculine traits as his primary gender characteristics, and to recognize that though feminine characteristics can be healthy, they must be secondary. Aspects of the broken feminine such as bitchiness, gossip and gay persona need to be renounced.
a) When feminine secondary characteristics are more dominant homosexuality prevails in a yearning for completion through men
b) when insecure in his primary male gender characteristics, the recovering homosexual will want to ‘ingest’ them through homosexual connection.
c) where inner vows, because of detachment from dad, have cut the homosexual off from the good of his masculinity, there remains the need to rediscover masculine identity in adult relationships. Turning from seeking these homosexually, to learning them through wholesome male relationships, is key.
- The deprivation of love in the homosexual
Broken parental love, and the incapacity for homosexuals to love with purity, leads to a love deficit in the homosexual. This requires counseling, prayer ministry and wholesome, non sexual relationships with both men and women, to be receive love in healthy ways. If homosexual Abuse has occurred this requires special attention. (See the article on abuse on our website)
- Homosexual Belief systems
Rethinking and re-learning homosexual patterns of behaviour is necessary. The Living Waters and Finding Freedom groups offered by Living Waters enables and reinforces new thinking and behavioral patterns.
- Homosexual Relationships, behaviours & addictions
need to be repented of, renounced and changed.
The aim is to continue the healing process to become whole enough in our gender, where we are more aware of our completion as men, than of gender confusion, insecurity and driveness. The ex-homosexual can be completely re-oriented, or sufficiently transformed as to peacefully resist occasional lustful attraction to men.
See Ron Brookman’s and others testimonies on the testimony section of this website. So, if you suffer from unwanted homosexuality, there is hope and help!!
 Neil Whitehead
3 Dr Robert Spitzer